Released.

three days ago, i was released from Master... because i was too experienced real life for Him... and He could not fulfill my needs...

this is according to Him.

Honestly, i'm more on the lines of angry because He was gone for 6 days before coming back and talking to me. Somehow i don't believe the whole story He gave me. *sighs.* i just....don't understand... *wipes face*

i learned long ago.. that life is not fair... Gor is not fair.... but why does that not make the hurt decrease? It still hurts just the same... especially when things....were fine..... there were no fights...there was nothing... to force the end.

i wish Him the best of luck in life and everything He does.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~Quote of the Day:~~

There's another world inside of me

That you may never see

There're secrets in this life

That I can't hide

Somewhere in this darkness

There's a light that I can't find

Maybe it's too far away...Maybe I'm just blind

...Maybe I'm just blind...

[chorus]

So hold me when I'm here

Right me when I'm wrong

Hold me when I'm scared

And love me when I'm gone

Everything I am

And everything in me

Wants to be the one

You wanted me to be

I'll never let you down

Even if I could I'd give up everything

If only for your good

So hold me when I'm here

Right me when I'm wrong

You can hold me when I'm scared

You won't always be there

So love me when I'm gone

[end chorus]

Love me when I'm gone...

When your education x-ray

Can not see under my skin

I won't tell you a damn thing

That I could not tell my friends

Roaming through this darkness

I'm alive but I'm alone

Part of me is fighting this

But part of me is gone

[chorus]

Maybe I'm just blind...

[chorus]

Love me when I'm gone...

Love me when I'm gone

When I'm Gone

When I'm Gone

When I'm Gone

~3 Doors Down~"(Love Me) When I'm Gone"~

When Will These Tears Fade Away?

When will the tears just finally go away?

Day 5...

*sits here and just cries hugging stitch tightly starting to wonder if Master will ever be coming back.*

all i can do anymore is sit here and look and watch and wait for Master to come back. i check my list to see if i might have missed Master come online. i sit here and stare blankly at the monitor most of the time anymore.. or stare at the walls in my room.

I WANT MY MASTER. I WANT MY MASTER NOW. I WANT HUGS AND I WANT TO KNOW WHY MASTER HAS NOT BOTHERED TO EVEN LEAVE AN OFFLINE OR E-MAIL OR ANYTHING THE LAST 5 DAYS NOW. *just cries.*

Day 4

Still no word. i am so sad, depressed, and crying that i can barely see right now. The floor is looking very comforting right now... curling up in a ball and just crying might help a little...*sighs.*

i have very big abandonment issues. i was abandoned by the Mistress i became Gorean for, and my ex of two years as well. This is tearing me apart. It hurts so bad knowing you care so badly for Someone, love them with every inch of your being, and they don't care enough to even answer any offlines.


*sighs*

Day 3

Today marks day three. No word from Master. i worry...i worry lots. *sighs* Master... please contact Your pet soon.

Uncle Jay's body is being creamated and the ashes will not be back for another 9 days *sighs.* After then, i have to travel up to Benzonia, MI.. which is close to Cadillac. Big long drive.

i'm not feeling up to much typing right now.. so this is keeping short. i miss You so much Master... please.. PLEASE get ahold of me asap. i'm so worried *cries.*

love You

Death in Family

Seems the sadness never ends. i woke this morning to find out that my Uncle Jay passed away at 10:30 this morning....well yesterday morning now. i don't know when the funeral is yet, or where it will be. most likely it will be way up north close to Cadillac, and sometime during the middle of the week. There will only be a short service, as he wished to be creamated, and not buried.

Stress is becoming worse and worse for me. i might end up dropping online Gor for a while. i'm about to mentally break, and i don't like it. i don't like the feel of it, i don't want it, and everything is becoming way too much to handle for me.

Master didn't come Home lastnight to talk to me. *sighs* Master does not know my Uncle died. All i want is cuddles...that's all i want right now. i want to be held and told my life is going to somehow turn around and this madness will soon be over. i need an escape...a release from reality. *sighs.*

i love You Master.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~Quotes of the Day:~~

"I have been astonished that men could die martyrs for their religion -

I have shudder'd at it.

I shudder no more.

I could be martyr'd for my religion

Love is my religion

And I could die for that.

I could die for you."

~ John Keats ~

**************************

"I'd like to run away

From you,

But if you didn't come

And find me ...

I would die."

~Shirley Bassey ~

Dance of the Newly Collared Slave

cindy rises from the serving furs and gracefully pads her way over to the sand pit with pointed toes. visions of her Master swirl thru her head like a mist that clouds her view of reality, for He is truely the only thing she can see in her mind. stepping foot into the pit, the girl closes tightly the mahogony orbs that adorn a sculpted face

taking a pose in the pit with one arm held high above a head donned in russet tresses with a delicate index finger pointed high. the other arm comes pulled across a sculpted face, as a slender forearm cuts her face in two at nose and mouth level with fingers fanned on the side. standing tall on one muscular leg, the other foot comes to rest atop the calf of the one on which she stands. a heart races as the fire in her belly grows. the image of her Master fresh in her mind

the beat of the drums starts, a slave heart pounds to match the beat of the drums as she sets into motion. in a series of spins and twirls, she dances around the sand pit, wanting so badly to please, needing to feel the caress of the touch of a strong Hand... the hand of her Master. pleeding eyes search around the room for Him, but everywhere she looks, only the vision of Him in her head does she see. a wanton cry escapes slightly parted rose hued lips as she dances from edge to edge of the pit

running and spinning, the girl searches and peers for her Master, a slave heart yearns for His touch, a belly raging to an inferno as she spins and twirls over and over again from corner to corner, arms cross together tightly across a mountainous chest for half the spin then fully extend outwards awaiting His grasp, His caress for the other half

stopping dead in her tracks, she gently rises all ten digits to the steel that surrounds her neck, wimpering, she remembers the moment Master placed it around her neck, the tears, the love, the cry of pleasure, the relief of being complete once again, spinning once again around the dance pit with all ten fingers caressing the collar, emitting loud moans of wanton need

hearing the music start to slow down, she slows her stride and spins, heart racing with the fire in her belly exploding to a firey rage. out of energy and breath, the girl falls to her knees in the sand pit, digits gently caressing the steel around her neck with tears streaming down two flushed cheeks, wanting, needing, and remembering her Master

i love You, Master, i need You, Master.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~Quote of the Day:~~

"Ev'ry now and then

We find a special friend

Who never lets us down

Who understands it all

Reaches out each time you fall

You're the best friend that I've found

I know You can't stay

But part of You will never, ever go away

Your heart will stay

I'll make a wish for you

And hope it will come true

That life will just be kind

To such a gentle mind

If you lose your way

Think back on yesterday

Remember me this way

ooooh hooo

Remember me this way

I don't need eyes to see

The love You bring to me

No matter where I go

And I know that You'll be there

Forever more, a part of me

You're ev'rywhere

Oh You always care

I'll make a wish for You
And hope it will come true
That life will just be kind
To such a gentle mind
If You lose Your way
Think back on yesterday
Remember me this way

Remember me this way

And I'll be right behind Your shoulder, watching You

I'll be standing by Your side in all You do

And I won't ever leave

As long as You believe

You just believe

I'll make a wish for You

And hope it will come true

That life will just be kind

To such a gentle mind

And if You lose Your way

Think back on yesterday

Remember me this way

Remember me this way

oooooh hooo

This way"

~Jordan Hill "Remember Me This Way." from the movie, Casper.~

Back to Work and more...

oi. i went back to work friday and boy did that suck.. majorly. i came home and my ankle was swollen twice its size and in massive amounts of pain. i still do not know how i am going to be able to work monday and tuesday with all the pain i'm in. *methinks i should invest in stock in bacardi.*

Wed. night/Thursday.. omg... my ex magically appeared on my doorstep with His child and girl. They were on their way back down to kansas and wanted to say hello. Well, as it turns out, there was a 200 car pile-up on I-96 and the Indiana toll road was also closed, so my father took pity on the stupid Jerk and allowed T/them shelter for the night and dinner and breakfast. What a mess. Things got mixed up...feelings popped up..tears fell.. He tried to do things... it got insane. Of course nothing happened, and He finally realized i was happy when i pm'd Master while He was right beside me. At that moment, it became clear to Him that i was no longer His, and He could no longer do those things. His attitude changed rather quickly after that.

yesterday... well.. yesterday was not a good day. i did not wake up until 4:30, and when i did, i woke in pain and with a migraine.*Sighs.* i then came online and went directly to the Home with bowl of frosted mini wheats in hand..groggily typing. i looked on messenger, and Master did not leave any offlines. i waited all night long for Master...and well it's almost 9:30 AM, and Master still has not came Home to cindy yet.... *Sighs.* This is the first time since Master collared me that we have not atleast talked for five minutes online together. I MISS MY MASTER :*-(

Love You Master. Talk to You soon.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~Quotes of the Day:~~

"I dropped a tear in the ocean. The day you find it is the day I will stop missing you."

~Author Unknown~

*******************************

"I think we dream so we don't have to be apart so long. If we're in each other's dreams, we can play together all night."

~Bill Watterson, Calvin & Hobbes~

7 am!!

Alrighty folks, it's 7 am. Do You know what this lil slavey has been doing all night?? That's a good question. i have not been able to sleep yet. Maybe it has something to do with waking up at 8:30 pm lastnight.. not sure.

i hate pain medicine. i honestly do, because it makes 'ya feel like crap afterwards, and messes up your internal clock. it really bothers me lots to take it because i feel so drugged all of the time, and that's not cool.. not cool at at all.

Maaaaster comes today.. Master comes today!!! YAY YAY YAY!!! *cannot wait .. nope nope!* maybe that is partially why i cannot sleep. is so excited! *thinks about hot tubs and visions of Master in her head again...mmm my Master *swoons**

All night long i've been in and out of different chat rooms or doing research or something else to keep busy with, and all night long all i can think about is Master...purrrs.

ok i had better try to get some sleep before i have to be up at 10 am. it's already 7:30...and i need some rest.

i wuuuuuuuuv You Master and cannot wait til You get here later today.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~Quotes...yes two... of the Day:~~

"It's at night, when perhaps we should be dreaming, that the mind is most clear, that we are most able to hold all our life in the palm of our skull. I don't know if anyone has ever pointed out that great attraction of insomnia before, but it is so; the night seems to release a little more of our vast backward inheritance of instincts and feelings; as with the dawn, a little honey is allowed to ooze between the lips of the sandwich, a little of the stuff of dreams to drip into the waking mind. I wish I believed, as J. B. Priestley did, that consciousness continues after disembodiment or death, not forever, but for a long while. Three score years and ten is such a stingy ration of time, when there is so much time around. Perhaps that's why some of us are insomniacs; night is so precious that it would be pusillanimous to sleep all through it! A 'bad night' is not always a bad thing."

~Brian W. Aldiss~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Dawn: When men of reason go to bed. "

~Ambrose Bierce~

*blinks and growls*

ok..it is five mins. to eight in the morning. Stupid dad woke cindy up at quarter to seven. Why? BECAUSE ONCE AGAIN... the furnace quit... WHY??? Because the fuel oil tank that feeds the furnace has two holes in it, and $150 worth of fuel oil dad bought last week is now gone. Every time the stinking furnace quits, cindy has to WAKE UP.. clear her stuff out from in front of the furnace door and get the heck out of the way (usually go to the livingroom.) Have YOU ever tried to wake someone on percocet ...LET ALONE get them try to clean on it? my percocet wears off in a half an hour NOW. Back then, i had another hour and a half to go. *Wants to strangle father... wants to wants to wants to.*

So! Now when he comes home, i have to get out of the way again.. go to the living room..and wait for him to prime the furnace before i go back to bed again. i figured..why not get online while i'm waiting and do a journal entry because i'm killing time before i can go back to sleep. When dad gets home, i'm taking another percocet because i'm starting to hurt again.

This really sucks because i have to be busy today and the longer he waits the longer i sleep and the shorter amount of time i have to finish up the serves i have to do for the Home online.

*Thinks about going to take a shower while he is gone and maybe... just maybe, by the time i'm done, he will be back so i can take a pill and pass the hell out again.* Yeah, i going to go do that.

Love You Master. Talk to You later today. 1 MORE DAY TIL MASTER COMES AND TAKES CINDY AWAY...1..MORE...DAY!!! YAY!!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~Quote of the Day:~~

"What makes stupidity really insufferable is that it is forever in action - idiocy knows no rest"

~Anonymous~

*rubbing eyes and waking up*

ok wow.. for once i'm posting when i wake and not before i go to bed *smiles softly.*

Yesterday was a really bad day. i went to physical therapy and the only thing she did was took measurements and put me on an ice pack and high volt electrical stimulation *the reason why i do not get off on electro play.*

After that i took my father out to lunch at mcdonald's.. i had a mushroom onion swiss burger, fries, and hi-c orange drink *instead of coke for once!* Dad had a big 'n tasty with cheese with fries and coke to drink. After i got done, i bought myself a hot fudge sundae with nuts and extra hot fudge...mmmmm fuudge *wants another one of those.*

we talked for a while, and then came home for an hour and afterwards went to the ortho. i had a 3:30 appointment, but did not actually get to see the doctor until quarter after 5. She told me that most likely that stupid workman's comp doctor dislocated the two tendons i just had surgery on twice this year. So, now, on Monday morning, i have to go get a removable cast for my leg and set up a mri. i am now taking a month long hiatus from physical therapy too. That stupid doctor just put me back atleast two months on my recovery.

*closes her eyes and listens to the music and the rain coming from her rain emulator she got for christmas and smiles.* i absolutely love this Envirascape my lil sister got me for christmas. It is so relaxing and helps to take my mind off of the pain and just focus on the natural sounds of the rain and nature. It's great for hypnosis or meditation *smiles softly.* Yes, it was expensive, but i think everyone should have one. They're awesome.

i don't know what i'm going to do today. i woke up and made bacon, eggs, and toast for breakfast and had a glass of orange juice to go with it. That was yummy. i want more bacon..lol. Maybe i'll have a blt for lunch..mmmm blt. What sucked though .. is i woke up around 9 when my pain pills quit working for me in lots of pain, and ended up taking a percocet. by 9:15 i was sleeping again, and something woke me up at 9:30. raven was in my pm box and wanted MFH open, so i went and opened it for her after it took me a while to squint and watch the monitor and the keyboard move before me because of the percocet kicking in. The first hour is like super charged percocet power..then it dies down a lil after that. So, after i got the room open for her, i passed out and went back to bed until about 3:30...4...lol.

pet loves You, Master and cannot wait until You return from work today. *hugz an kisses.*

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~Quote of the Day:~~

"There is nothing to fear from the gods.

There is nothing to fear from death.

Pain can be endured.

Happiness can be attained."

~Epicurus~

i'm Back and Writing Again!

YAY! ok so not yay. i spent five whole days down by Detroit, and spent a couple of those days with Master. Even though they were only five days, it seems like an eternity since i wrote last, and i miss my Master horribly *cries.*

LUCKILY THOUGH!!! i get to spend Monday and Tuesday with Master!! YAY! Monday marks O/our one month anniversary *swoons.* i cannot wait until i get to spend more time with Him. It seems that lately with Master working so much that W/we do not get much time together anymore. Which.. i don't really mind, because Master is making money. That's a good thing... but, i just miss O/our long talks and cuddles online, and i miss calling and talking to Him on the phone so much too.

Well, i went to the workman's comp dr yesterday, and he really messed up my ankle. He forced it to move more to the right than any other dr or physical therapist has ever dared to push it. It almost felt like the ankle wanted to dislocate he pushed it so far. There was a feeling of immense pain, and my foot and leg started tingling.. and it was not good. i put on my brace and left his office, and when i sat down in the car, i felt my toes curl up in my shoe. i knew i was in trouble then. The pain started to get worse, and i had my mom drive me to the grocery store to buy a bag of peas because our ice packs are needing replacing. i went in and stepped a few steps out of the car and the ankle snapped. i almost fell to my knees because the ankle gave out. i paused for a few mins.. went to the frozen food section, grabbed the bag of peas, checked out and the ankle snapped once again! By this time, i'm calling that damn workman's comp dr just about every name in the book. Mom drove me home, and i went to get out of the car and the afformentioned anlke popped once again. i'm in tears, i'm in pain, and i sat in the la-z-boy, put the foot up, had my mother wrap the bag of peas around my ankle, then i picked up the phone and called my ortho. After that, i called my physical therapist and made arrangements with her to come in friday for therapy at around 12:30 for measurements so i could take a report to the dr.

i'm going to take off now and jump in the shower then hit the sheets. i love You Master. Talk to You in the morning.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~Quote of the Day:~~

"Sin lies only in hurting other people unnecessarily. All other `sins' are invented nonsense. (Hurting yourself is 'not' a sin--just stupid.)"

~Heinlein, Robert A. (1907-1988) from "Time Enough For Love"~